Sage & Sip: Drunk on Advice

In this episode, we pour a glass of red wine and dive into the complex world of relationships. From the joys and struggles of marriages and long-term partnerships to the delicate matters of infidelity, secrets, sexuality, and money, no topic is too taboo. With a mix of candid, unfiltered conversation and light-hearted moments, let’s explore these important issues together, with honesty, understanding, and a little bit of wine. 

Transcript

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K M O R E Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Sage and Sunshine, where we talk about all things life, adulting, parenthood, and any other sexy details of life that we'd like to discuss, honey. As you know, I am your host, Brittany Marie, your new favorite. Okay, today, yall I'm a little, I'm, I'm a little, Tipsy, I think, from, recording the last video, so I thought it would be really fun to, essentially give some drunk advice, honey. people say I give great advice. Um, I don't think me being tipsy would change anything, it just might make me a little funnier. What made me even want to do this episode is because I saw a tweet on Twitter last week and I was like, um, okay. I was just like, what would I do? WW BD, what would Brittany do? Let me take another sip y'all, I'll read this to you, She said, Dropped my boyfriend off at the airport to go to Mexico with a few friends. Now these few friends included men and women. Okay. Okay. Why when leaving this morning? My boyfriend asked me did I feel comfortable with him bringing condoms? Because his male friend asked that shit seemed so fucking off to me. Please help me just get through it Cuz this trip been booked for months and of all people What the fuck he ask you? I'm really trying to see if I'm tripping or not. Trying not to spaz, just thinking. And see, and see, this, this, this, mm, this be wrong. This, this be wrong. Look, I can't even get my words together. See, this be what the fuck is wrong, too. Cause we try to be good, and we try to sit back and be like, Bro, am I trippin I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be on no fugazi shit, you know what I'm sayin Am I actually trippin I hate that we second guess and we stop and we step back and really look at the whole situation and be like bro, like am I actually tripping because I don't want to be tripping right now. But girl, you was not tripping so far. Anyways. I want to read, um, the response. She didn't really add much to it but saying, um, You know, thank you for validating her feelings that, you know, something's off, I'm gonna get back into that, but the text message, so essentially, her, her response is kind of cut off a little bit, but essentially, she starts off by saying like, Y'all knew this trip was coming up just like you. And last time I checked, like you can buy them in Mexico talking about condoms. Duh. You can buy them everywhere. You can buy them in Mexico. If you're gonna do something, you better make sure it's worth it. I don't like the sneaky vibes at all, period. Now, me. Me? I'm not gonna I'm not gonna tell you you better make sure it's worth it, bitch. Cuz I don't know what the fuck you doing out there, and if I already feel some type of way you want some foozy type of shit, then I don't trust you, and it needs to be done right here and right now. Cuz you're not gonna go off in Mexico and have fun, and I feel like you on some shit, on some sneaky shit. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. Am I coming with you now? No, actually matter of fact, I don't even want to come with you because it's getting weird. It's getting weird. Anyways He replied talking about I asked you multiple times for a reason so that it wouldn't be a problem Why did you wait again until we were separated to do this? I'm gonna pause and stop right there Now if she's anything like me and a lot of people Who just have a lot of self control and don't want to be flying off the goddamn handle for stupid shit And really want to make sure you know, you have a grasp on the situation and understand the full picture of everything we're We are not gonna wild out and sometimes shit takes time to really process. So even though you got a response in that exact moment, the true response was really still processing, bitch, okay? It was still processing, hoe. Just because I said yeah, okay, reluctantly, didn't mean a goddamn thing. I'm still processing, cause why would you even fuckin ask me? I should hit you upside your goddamn head. But I don't promote domestic violence, so, not too much, y'all. Um, he goes on to say, um, Obviously, he could just buy them, but that's why he asked beforehand if I had any so he wouldn't have to spend unnecessary money. You act like condoms are an arm and a leg, you are going out the country to Mexico, I'm sure that he can get his own, and how do y'all even know if it's all the same size? Weeeeeeeird. Nothing sneaky, which is why I looked you in your eyes and I just feel like asking a grown man, asking as a grown man going on vacation, knowing that he finna fuck, asking another grown man who has a woman that's going to stay out at home for fucking condoms is fucking wild. It's wild and at your big age, why are you asking another grown man? The only instance I understand asking a grown man that's not involved in the activity that you're about to partake in because either party can have condoms the male or female whatever or whatever parties that are involved can have condoms, but to be a grown man and to ask Before leaving the country to like that that gives rope. That's crazy before leaving the country To see if he can bring some condoms or ask him for condoms is insanity is insanity. It's crazy It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't make any sense. You're a grown ass man. Go get your condom That would have flew maybe when y'all were like younger teens or maybe if y'all are out and about and thotting around sure, or if it's like really spur of the moment y'all are both out in the club and he's you know, he has um, He has a girl back home, but y'all out in the club Enjoying yourselves and then you know friend wants to take off for the girl And he says yo, you got a condom on you because I ain't got none at home. I mean You Yeah, sure. But then again, why would you have a condom on you? Because your girl's not with you. So again, like What scenarios are we talking about? That your friend would need a condom from you in a relationship. Okay. Nothing sneaky, which is why I looked you in your eyes and asked if you were comfortable with this multiple times. I'm not on any type of sneaky shit. I hate that you would think that, which is why I tried responsibly communicating with you. about the situation. I apologize for putting myself in a position that makes you question my actions. Boo. I thought I made the correct decision by speaking with you about it, but next time I will just make sure to do better with not making you question my actions and keeping myself out of that position. A. K. A. he will make sure to never tell your ass anything and he'll be sneaky about it because. Yeah, and then he says, I love you and hope you have a great Friday with work and just overall. And that part, that part for me, I really didn't like. Now I'm reading this like I really don't like because I feel like you just, I feel like you ended the conversation and there was no real feelings of, like, resolve for anybody and you're going to go on about your business and I feel a way over here. I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't like that. and honestly talking about hope you have a great Friday. So it's just like, okay, so our communication ends here. So, you're not going to talk to me Friday? It's just, it's just not giving. I don't like the dismissal. I don't like the dismissal. Because who told you that we were finished with this conversation? Do not dismiss and end this conversation. honestly, that response is like, giving like, stay blessed. Who are you talking to? chile, exactly. The classic ask a question to not look guilty approach. And just imagine if it was the other way around. Oh, my homegirl wants to know, can I bring condoms on the vacation to Miami? To Mexico, to, to fucking, Louisiana, New Orleans. How would that sound? Get the fuck. Y'all niggas ain't shit. Chao. So my advice to you, which is, which a lot of women have said already, and I think you've already taken this advice, is to leave that man where he lay. Let him have his time and soil his royal oats in Mexico, because that's what I assume that he's doing. There is no way that. Any man of mine is going to, um, ask me the day of the, um, even, even if it was weeks, months before, uh, uh, get your own shit. But gonna ask me the day of if I feel comfortable with him bringing condoms. But, oh no, the condoms are not for him. They're gonna be for his friend. Absolutely the fuck not your friend can go to the store or you can stay your ass home. And it's just like, as a man, why would you even, why would you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Even if he's really not gonna do anything. As a man, why would you put yourself in that predicament? And I don't mean like, oh, don't, don't fucking, um, tell her and just bring the condoms or whatever. Have your broke, dick, down ass man of yours, okay, your friend of yours, get his own fucking shit. What the fuck? If you want to fuck bitches, get the shit that you need to fuck them. The fuck? Protect yourself. What the fuck is what the fuck your friend helping you for, nigga? You're a grown. Be so fucking for real. You're a friend in a whole relationship. Okay, absolutely not. So I would have left him exactly where the fuck he laid. By him motherfuckin self. Because nah. Absolutely nah. Okay. Mmm. Okay, now we're gonna get into some like, real stuff. And stuff that I've absolutely never even read before. Cause, honestly, I really couldn't even help that girl that much. She already did what she did, and she did right thing. This stuff. Now, y'all, I haven't read this at all. We gon try to help y'all now. It reads, Found Husband Secret Only Fans. First, just so you know, I'm going to end up deleting this post later because my spouse is on Reddit and I don't want him to see this. Even if this were a throwaway, he would easily know that I wrote the following. I am in desperate need of advice. On Wednesday night, my spouse and I were joking around about porn. We have a very healthy sex life, what we call a cosmic mouth teeth sex, and are very open about our kinks and indulging those kinks with one another. I have absolutely no problem with my husband watching porn. He should, he could find any porn he wanted to watch as long as it was legal, caused no harm, and took place between consenting adults. I can't remember exactly what my husband said when we were playing around, but I responded to a comment with, well, at least you don't got an OnlyFans account, and I laughed until I saw his face. He has no poker face. My heart just sank. Initially, I just asked questions about it, more curious about why he would choose to create a private secret account with a fake email and a prepaid vanilla Visa gift cards purchased with cash so I wouldn't see the transactions on our bank or credit card statements. To spend money for something he called Just for more, just more porn to look at because I've watched a lot of porn. He wouldn't give me straight answers about anything, evaded questions, etc. The most he said was that he'd pay for a monthly subscription for 5 and that he didn't use it often. I was still pissed off because frankly OnlyFans seems like infidelity to me. Intimate, emotional, and physical. Okay, let me start off by saying when I read the title, I did not think like, okay He's buying porn on OnlyFans. I was thinking this was He has an OnlyFans, and he is performing on there He is performing on there, but I see that that's not where we're going with this. Anyways, um I was so pissed off Because, frankly, OnlyFans seems like infidelity to me, intimate, emotional, and physical. Especially because we've agreed to allow one another to have sex with other people as long as we were each comfortable with the other party, vetted them, so to speak. We've also agreed to allow people into our sex life with us. We also have a plethora of toys and gear. In my opinion, people who use OnlyFans because they want to directly connect with other people. It bothered me because I gave him an open door to walk through as far as sex and porn were concerned and instead he dug a secret tunnel and lied to me. And like I said, I thought this was going in a different direction, but. When she puts it like that, I understand, and Honestly, clearly it's a, it's an issue because he hid it, you know what I'm saying, and she only found out because she joked about it, so that is an issue. Two hours after he fell asleep, I was a mess, so I looked at his computer. We have an open door policy with devices, computers, etc. My husband is lazy, so when I opened the browser, there was already a tab open with him logged into his account. I saw how much money he was spending. On messages, private videos, subscriptions to specific people, one of whom he knows in real life who resides in our town. I saw how often and compulsively he was using the platform. He spent hundreds of dollars, hundreds of dollars. I screenshotted everything. Now we're getting into Dangerous territory. Thursday morning over coffee, I asked him point blank, How much money do you estimate you've spent on OnlyFans and how long have you had this account? Ugh! He said max 50 spent and that he opened the account a few months ago. I sent him the screenshot of his most recent purchase. Two purchases took place on the day I was in the hospital with my dad while he was undergoing heart surgery and the other was on the day of our wedding anniversary. Within 48 hours of these three transactions were made totaling more than 60 dollars alone in those days. He had the audacity to say you hacked my account to which I replied it's pretty easy to access someone's account when they leave it open and accessible. More importantly, why did you just lie to me? You needed me to have proof for you to admit it? When did you create this account? He lied again. So I sent a screenshot to him proving once again that I caught him in a lie. And that is when the dam broke. He said he knew from the outset that what he was doing was wrong. And said he never intended it to go as long as it did. I told him that I took screenshots of everything and that I needed answers. I needed to know why he was spending our money on private messages from people on OnlyFans. I needed to know why regular free porn wasn't enough for him. I needed to know why he was always insisting we were broke when he was secretly spending money we supposedly didn't have. And that bitch is really what you had me thinking. I think it's one thing. I think, you know, if you want to partake and engage in OnlyFans cool, people don't understand that, um, people buy porn, specifically through things like OnlyFans. Only fan because one it can be more personalized You can actually have potential to communicate with the people get them to do specific things. It's just Yeah, and like to see a specific person that you want. Yeah, it's gonna be worth it to fuck to some people so like I understand that aspect and In that regard, that would really irritate me. That would really irritate me to se to see him, um, spending so much money, not only on, like, the content, but private messages and things like that, because now you're, like, really engaging. You're really engaging or trying to engage with this person and one of what she said was in their hometown So I mean, I don't know if that was the person he's communicating with but that's the person he subscribed to Like that's really uncomfortable and it's crossing a lot of boundaries. Absolutely not. Um Why so many birthdays christmases anniversaries had passed with well, we cannot afford to get each other gifts He wouldn't even drop money on a birthday card And that even more it just shows where your priorities are aligned And clearly it's not with your wife and this is pissing me the fuck off I cannot even begin to express how the lying has made me feel I feel lost I feel like foundational trust has been broken and i'm not sure how to repair it and girl. I understand you feeling that way because girl You've already been pretty open, you know, not everybody Feels comfortable with their partner Um Even watching porn, let alone to be able to share your partner or share your partner with somebody else or allow them to engage with other people as long as you know you've vetted them and talked or whatever. Um, so to already be able to do that and be getting that and to spend all this money and time and truly investing so much, so much in OnlyFans, yeah. Well. Your wife already gives you so much, so much motherfucking leeway that a lot of wives would never. I think you have a problem. I think we might be dealing with a problem here. To say to your wife that important events like birthdays, anniversaries, things we don't have money for but you have money for OnlyFans? You have a problem and you need to seek help. Ugh, my gosh. Um. I feel like foundational trust has been broken and I'm not sure how to repair it. I actually do love my husband and I don't want to divorce him, but this whole situation has caused quite the upheaval. I don't know what to do. He feels terrible, but I'm having trouble accepting that he feels terrible for doing this. I think he only feels terrible because I caught him and girl, I agree. Also, I'm having trouble believing anything he says right now. What the fuck do I ever do here, even do here? How do I process this? I don't want to be in this state. I feel so damn, I feel so damn unfair and it just hurts. Okay. Yeah. This is sober. Brittany stepping in real quick. To talk to you. I don't think I really. Went into detail. when I was giving advice or talking about this, went into detail and really highlighted. The lengths. That this man went to conceal. This only fans accounts and continue to be disingenuous. And then multiple times when he was caught. in a lie. The only time that he would admit to that lie was if she came with proof. So he would have allowed her to feel like. To essentially make her feel like she was crazy. And she was delusional. That in itself. It's honestly, really triggering. Um, Like really think he took the time to think. I don't want this. I don't want her to have, like, there be any possibility that she will ever. Find this on any bank statements. So I'm going to withdraw cash. In 2024. I'm going to withdraw cash. Every time I need something on only fans. And purchase a gift card. Okay. Or a loaded on a gift card so that she will never know. Like how disrespectful and crazy. Is that. Especially when you're already in such a. Essentially open marriage. If it's one thing, men will have, it will always be the audacity. But anyways. Yeah. Let me get back to on drunk, Brittany over here. Um, advice. In this instance, I would probably advise some counseling. I would advise more open and honest communication, which I know you thought you were already getting. But, um, Yeah, if you want to stay in this relationship, we, we, y'all gotta start putting everything on the table. I'm probably by y'all, I mean him, um, being more transparent about what he wants, what he needs, why he feels like, you know, He needs to partake so heavily in OnlyFans and things like that. Um, but I feel like there's, it's just a lot to unpack here, especially being married. It's just a lot of, like, deceitfulness and Things that I feel, really feel like shouldn't even be involved in this relationship that's seemingly so open and, um, vulnerable. But girl, unless you gonna leave him because you feel betrayed and feel lied to and things like that, girl, you, you better off just, you know, going to therapy, trying to talk through it, um, get him some help, cause I, I think he probably needs some help. And yeah, girl, I'll just chill. Um, Uh, Um, Uh, and maybe you need to start monitoring accounts, okay? We need to, we need to have the same accounts because you can't be spending money willy nilly. Okay? That, that affects both of us, especially as a husband and wife. Okay? That's our money. I don't care what anybody says. That's our money. I ain't even married yet and my boyfriend's money is our money. His money is my money. Okay? Okay? What's wrong with you? Chile. Okay, this one was interesting to me because, you know, I'm a little bisexual queen over here. And it says, um, wife cheated on me with a woman. I surprised them in our bed. They thought I was at work. Her partner is, or was, my best friend. Someone I trusted. I was suspecting for some time there was something going on. Didn't think it would be slammed in my face like that. Of course they both confessed this was going on for two months and of course they begged me to not leave my wife. They showed me everything, all the texts and the nudes they sent of each other, how they planned around me. Ex best friend said, said she'll disappear and I won't see her ever again. And to be honest, I don't care. Wife is sleeping on the couch now, but I'm planning to have in-laws, take her in for some time while I process things. I asked my wife if she was full gay or what. She reassured me that she's attracted to me and enjoys sex with me, but she was curious. I told her why she didn't tell me about this. Curiosity, maybe we could have talked about it. Ex bestfriend wouldn't stop texting me how sorry she is, and she doesn't want for us to divorce. I replied to not contact me or my wife unless I contact her first. I should be angry, but I just feel numb. The two people I trusted the most betrayed me. This sucks. I feel, honestly, and now reading that, that makes me feel really sad, because I know a lot of people Men's fantasy is to maybe see, um, their woman partake in some sexual activity with a woman. And although that may be true for many people, it's not for everybody. And even if that is true, to be a desire or want for you, I think to see, to walk in on your wife cheating on you, And then to have that person be your best friend, who is a woman which you hadn't known your partner to ever be interested in, like, that's, that's a lot to take in. That's a lot to take in, and it's also a lot of, um, definitely a lot of trust that is broken between, um, The wife and the husband and the husband and um, best friend and I truly do feel for the husband Because there's nothing like living your life and just being like bamboozled out of nowhere. You know what I mean? My advice for him is to definitely sit down and have a conversation um well if you don't want to leave her, honey, sit down have a conversation and with I would say with both of them, but you know, I don't know if you necessarily owe your Bestfriend anything right now. The only person and I don't even want to say like you owe it to but the only person that like Needs a response You To see how, you know, things are going to move now is your wife, your partner. And, she, oof. This is just so tough because I would never do that. That's crazy. Yeah, if you're not gonna leave her, like, this really needs to be like a big conversation. I always suggest therapy, honey, because In a marriage, especially in marriages, honey. If, if, as long as there's no crazy abuse, you know, I think that And when we think abuse, we're not just thinking physical, okay? Verbal, emotional, Financial, abuse, none of that. So if there's no like real big things of abuse, and there's just, you know, points of contention or some things that have happened, I think, um, Um. I think it's always beneficial to go to therapy first. Sober Brittany here again. I think it's always beneficial to go to therapy first, for those reasons. Stated above. However, I think it's also very important to stick. to your. Your values and like your big no's. Your deal breakers. So, if any of those are crossed and you feel like you need to go, then go chile. But if none of those were crossed your values and things. Or if you feel like you can still work through that. Then go to therapy. But, like I said, if somebody crossed you feel like that's it. Then that's it. Live your life. I just think that's crazy. I don't know. I felt like I would be able to give more advice on this. I just feel like I'm blanking. I'm not being the bisexual queen that I know to be. Because I do, I do understand the wife's side, of course, I understand the curiosity, and I understand not necessarily going to him and asking him and just engaging. Um, is it right? Absolutely not. But I understand. even he says, you know, he don't even know if you want to stay or leave her. Um, yeah. But realistically, I think it's about what you value and what you're able to tolerate. If you truly value like, you know, honesty, loyalty, and you feel like once that has been trust and once that has been dissolved, there's really no going back. Um, Then leave that hoe, but if you feel like it's something you can work on and work through and you just need more understanding, then hey, but it's going to be quite a challenge, quite a challenge really, um, accepting and moving on from that, especially I think from a man's point of view, from a woman, women, I feel like in history have done that a lot. Taken up and forgiven. I'm cheating. That's okay. Well, when it's the opposite men don't really know how to do that, honey They don't know how to do that and honestly, I'm, I'm not sure if women really know how to fully do that either, and that's another reason why I will personally not stay with somebody who cheats because I know that I would make that person's life a living hell. I would make every situation uncomfortable. I would bring up their transgressions all the time. I would make sure that you're not comfortable because you've made me uncomfortable in this relationship by cheating on me. So Moving on. Whew. Okay. is, this is going crazy. Ah. Female, who's 30. I'm about to cheat on my boyfriend. Male, who's 40. How can I say this? Excuse me? First of all, if you, it's one thing to have like a spur of the moment cheat. And when I say it's one thing, I don't mean that it's acceptable. It's just a different thing, you know what I'm saying? Like, when in the heat of the moment, it's another thing to go on Reddit and be like, Ciao. Yeah, I'm finna cheat. So, can you help me save this or not? Like, huh? Baby, you don't want to save it. Anyway. I am about to cheat on my boyfriend. Basically describes my situation pretty good. We are in a relationship for over 9 years. And he is an amazing man. He supports me in every way that he can. He went through so much. We went through so much together. And I really love him. He is the best that could have been. ever happened to me. He helped me to get better and be a better person. I am who I am due to him and I don't want to lose him. The feelings about losing him hurt so much. Every time we are in a fight, it hurts because I don't want him to be hurt. Unfortunately, the last few nights, we had all the same topic. Sex. The last time we had sex. Whoa. The last time we had sex was over two years ago. The last time he touched me in a sexual way was over one year ago. At the beginning it started with getting less and less over time. At some point I talked with him and he just doesn't feel horny. We tried a few things. We took some natural supplements which should have helped, but he felt really weird and didn't want to take them. I bought a lot of different toys and tried to initiate things with those, but it never seemed to help. Waiting in bed when he gets off of work. He works from home and cuddles, and when he chooses to join me, more won't happen. Every time I tried, but he just falls asleep. He always says that the bed is for sleeping, and he gets tired when he's in the bed. I get it, but come on. Hoo, what changed? You know, I was judging you for that child, that child. I was judging you for that title girl, but I mean, I still don't know. Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it right, but I understand. Now, next. Only touching myself won't do it any longer. I don't feel attractive and I don't feel confident. That's another thing that can really take a hit when you're constantly being rejected or not. Felt feeling like you're attractive. I talked to him about this issues, and he told me that he thinks he falls in the asexual spectrum Okay, so my thing would be okay When do you when did you figure out that you fall on the asexual spectrum because we've been together for years So I'm assuming that in those years you have touched and pleasured me. You know I'm saying and I It's only been the last two that we haven't done, so, and you guys have been together for nine, so, what's, what's, what's tea? Um, there is one where you can be intimate with someone you know, but not that good, but you lose your libido when there is a much greater emotional bond. Okay. He identifies with this. I told him that I would be fine with only being touched. But after six months, nothing has changed. I feel like he doesn't want me anymore. We talked about solutions and the option of an open relationship came up. This was a year ago. But the thoughts about him being with somebody else hurt so much and I can't Look over this pain. The thought about others being able to sleep with my boyfriend while he can't fuck me hurts. Some of you may think that he is cheating, but I know for sure he isn't. We share our locations 24 7. He works from home, and I am only gone half the day. We have one car with a GPS, and I would see if he moves. We have a ring similar bell, and it has activated my movement. It's activated by movement due to some crimes in my neighborhood. It's the only door I would see if he leaves. A few days ago, I downloaded a chat app. You register and can join chat rooms. And a guy wrote me. We talked, and it felt so good. We started setting, and We started setting and he likes the kinks I like as well. Maybe she meant sexting. We started sexting and he likes the kinks that I like as well. My boyfriend never liked them that much in our sex life, wasn't that great, but it wasn't about sex, but the connection and feeling attractive and confident. We started to exchange photos and videos. I only took them without face and identifying features, and I haven't felt this attractive and wanted in over four years. When it started to get less and less, it feels, it feels just fucking good and right. We talked about meeting, and I am about to set a date with him. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend because I really love him, but I don't know what I should do. He doesn't try. And I am anxious about losing him. How can I save this situation with my boyfriend? What should I do? Thank you for reading. Girl, go have a conversation with that man. Y'all have brought up the whole open relationship thing and I really don't think that he should feel no type of way about it. I know that you have had some reservations about it, but if we're being honest here, you know, we all have needs, We all have needs, and I understand your qualms about wanting or not wanting to see him or being with other people. I feel like I would have the same hang ups, but But, but, but, at the end of the day, if you're so stuck on not leaving him and like, want to continue to be with him, then you have to find something, you gotta give a little, you gotta give a little. And if that means by letting go some control and letting him explore in his own right too, then, hey! You said you feel good, and if this is really what you want, then be honest about it. Don't be hiding behind the bush, babes. That's only gonna, like, make shit worse. Everybody be over here pussyfooting and shit. Do what you want to do. Live your life. Nobody else is going to live it for you. Nobody else has to do that, but you. So you have to be set. And you have to be okay with your decisions in life, and you have to live it. You made the bed, now lay in it. Pick what direction you want to go. Do you want a messy one? Where he can potentially find out, and it destroys everything in an instant. And he feels betrayed, and he feels this, this, this, and that. And I mean, he probably already will, if you, um, explain to him that you've already been, um, In conversation with somebody else. Um, however, I feel like, I don't know, that conversation needs to be had immediately. Immediately, immediately. Okay, yeah. I think I'm gonna read one more. One more. Oh, my, she's a 25 year old female. Husband, who's a 25, a 24 year old male, using me. So she's saying is my husband using me? So, a bit of context. We got married about a week ago and worked together for over nine years. Never had another relationship, neither did he. I have a job where I make a lot of money, but I'm self employed. So money varies and it might depend on how much I work. I also go to school again to get a better degree. He works at his 40 hour job and sometimes helps me at my work. Most of the money for stuff comes from me. I was also the person who did over 90 percent of our cooking, food planning, wedding planning, and general household planning. The household chores were mostly his responsibility, But we got household help from my money every two to four weeks because he couldn't keep up. Excuse me. let me, let me, let me not talk because for me instantly I was just like, um, why are you spending money every two to four weeks to help with the household cleaning? Because I just feel like if everybody's cleaning up behind themselves, like grown adults, then they're really, it really shouldn't be like such a problem with the cleaning. Mind you, I was working from morning till I was going to bed, often times, and also planning, etc. Date plans and all that. Also come from my side. I was almost begging him to help me with those things But he only really did wedding things in the last week including his outfit. He said everything will get better after the wedding Excuse me. I would never believe a man who tells me that. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? That's actually like really scary. I feel like it's the complete opposite It's the complete opposite. A man is not going to wait. Oh my god. It is literally a complete opposite. A man is not going to sit there and wait until you guys are married to basically prove how valuable he is and like how much he can change if there needs to be changes and things like that. Absolutely not. A man will do so before, before that, before that. Because They will do everything they need to do in their power before they make that declaration That they want to marry you. Be so for real. Nothing's going to change after marriage. If anything I would be more so concerned in any and any in all situations that A man might switch up in a negative way after the marriage. So I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna expect you to positively change and do what I've been asking for however long after we're married. After it's more difficult to, you know, separate and to get, absolutely not. Absolutely not, it's feeling like trap, trap, run away, run away, He said everything will get better after the wedding, will it though? On top of that, I want to say that we often eat out or get takeout and it's always with my money. In this economy, no, no, no. don't know I feel like it's kind of ingrained in some of us to kind of have like an escape plan Or to just have, a certain means for life, you know what I mean? so for a man to constantly to constantly being relying on you for money. And before you're even married. Insanity to me and it just doesn't feel right and it shouldn't feel right for anybody. It just it just don't sit right I'm just a girl. Why am I paying you? I'm paying for it. It's not even paying you. Why am I paying for everything now child? um I feel like he purposely forgets that we need to buy groceries. I'm often thinking about work, so I asked him to remind me of it, so we can just get takeout. he also got a credit card when money was tight in November, and I gave him the rest of the money yesterday. The total of that money was 1. 6k, and not even, oh, God, thank you! And it's little things like that, even when you are, um, in a relationship, married or not. Being thankful and saying thank you for little things or things. I mean, I don't think that's a little thing, but even things that you think are little or insignificant, I think are very important. Everybody wants to be seen and acknowledged. So that is crazy. That is crazy. I would have wanted that money back. That's how crazy that is. Give me back my shit back. Cuz who the fuck? I waited a few hours until I couldn't hold it anymore. Off and confronted him and he said he was sorry for not doing that and he thought about a way to thank me He said he'll give me flowers and the card is a thank you. He never really got the flowers He knows I hate flower bouquets I don't want to be dramatic or whatever, but bitch he might hate you Because why would you ever Why would you tell me that you're gonna get flowers in the card and know that I fucking despise flowers That is just so I don't know. It's just so rude and so low down dirty to me. I don't know. It's just weird. It's just weird. I'm sorry, girl. Now to the advice I'm asking of, is this marriage worth it? Hell No, I don't think it is. I don't think I don't think marriage is a game where like you marry and then you start to show and prove I think you have to show and prove at least a little bit until all parties are satisfied And then you go ahead that is absolutely ridiculous and absolutely insane. I think that you will always be That man will always be comfortable up under you some type of way and will continue to allow you to just spend all your goddamn money and you won't have nothing to your name while he over there racking up and I don't think that's okay. Um, I find it really odd that. Um, he's not even interested in grocery shopping and the probably why he's not interested in grocery shopping is because he might have to pull his wallet out and he knows that hey if He knows that hey, you're hungry and you're gonna eat so you're gonna order some food and he's there So yeah, he gonna get some too and I think that's absolutely ridiculous and insane I would not marry that man because I would not trust that man and for somebody to say You know To know that like shit is not okay before marriage and to be like, oh, but it'll be fine Like it'll be better after the wedding. I don't trust you because why can't you show and prove now? You're lying. You're lying. You're lying. You're lying Girl, I would run away. I don't think that marriage is worth it I mean, I don't know if it ins and outs, but I just feel like a marriage is not only like, um I know people like to think of it as It's, you know, a spiritual love union, yadda yadda yadda. But it's also very much a contract and it's a business decision. And business wise, this is a terrible decision. It seems like all he will do is hold you back and hold you up. So, like I said, would I suggest this marriage? Absolutely not. I think you should run, girl. I think you should run. Run. Marriage is not the end all be all and you you will find somebody who is willing To give and do more and show and prove Okay, you shouldn't feel like you have to break your back or give your all to somebody While they can sit up there and say, Oh, I'll show you after the wedding. It'll be better after the wedding. Fuck you. No it won't. It might get worse. Do not fall for it, girl. Do not fall for it. You were lucky there were no children involved. So, I'm assuming because you didn't include any. So Girl, girl, go on about your business. You're still young, you're 25 and you're older than him. Girl, now I don't want to be an ageist motherfucker, but I will be an ageist motherfucker when it comes to these boys and dealing with them. Do not date no boy younger than you. And that does not mean go get a granddaddy. But do not date no young ass boy. I don't care. One year, just no. Just don't do it. They stupid. They stupid as they come old as fuck and young as fuck. So you need to get somebody that is at least the same age or maybe a little bit above you. Don't, don't ever trip yourself up. Of course there will be people who are outliers, okay? Duh. But that is not the majority and he is not an outlier, okay? He is definitely a 24 year old boy. Boy, not man. Boy, okay? They, they have a lot of development until they become young men, okay? Well, okay, I will say he's a young man, but he's not a man. Okay, I won't call him a boy. He's not a boy, but yeah, young man. He's not a man yet. So, um, and I wouldn't suggest you wait around for him to show and prove either girl, you know Um, how long y'all even been together? Cuz I think you said he was quite a lot over nine years, babe I think the whole you know Finding your soulmate as a minor thing is cute, and if it works for you, great, but this is not working and this is not it. Hang the fuck up. You haven't even experienced life. There is so much to experience. There is SO much to experience. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Go outside, girl. Go outside. okay, and I do want to read one of the comments, cause he kinda, he kinda ate a little bit. But he said, This is the way the average dude is socialized growing up. It's fucking crazy. I was the same way when I was younger, just expecting things to work. Kinda like how it did when my parents were together. Nope, it's not like that at all. That's man baby shit. I don't think he's using you. I think he's unaware of how much he's slacking on. Men traditionally rely on women to manage their emotions and to do all the house labor, but that's some bullshit not fair adding on to that, it's something we can fix as well if we put in the effort. Unfortunately, it caused many long term relationships to fall, fail, before I realized I was the problem the whole time. Um, we love an introspective, reflective king! Because, yes, this is how many of boys are socialized. The reflection of this man. Amazing, beautiful. Chef's kiss. Um, and that's why I say raise your boys. They over here, out here thinking that the world is just gonna work by them not having to. Yeah, but I'm tired now, yo. Those kind of made my head hurt a little bit. I really had to think. But yeah, y'all, I think this, finally, the sun has set on this episode of Sage and Sunshine. It was really nice, kind of just chatting and um, Giving a little bit of advice and having a little bit of a kiki. I hope that, um, some of y'all were able to take my advice well and take some positive things out of it. Um, don't, don't be looking crazy out here on these streets. We all have our moments, but pick yourself up. Okay. I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful rest of your week and enjoy your weekend. Let me know what you're sippin on, chill. But yeah, it's been Rui, y'all. Signing off. Oh,